


Tales from Retail

by Animercom



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Annoying mischievous kids, Chaos, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Grocery Shopping, minor language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23179198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animercom/pseuds/Animercom
Summary: Since when did going to the grocery store with your wife and children involve ex-convict cashiers, getting peed on, and your kids trying to shoplift an iPhone?All in a typical day in the Oma household.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Yumeno Himiko
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	Tales from Retail

**Author's Note:**

> In the discord server I'm in, we had a bootcamp in which you write or draw something in 60 mins according to a prompt; this week's prompt was "chaos". Although I thought it was too random to post, my friend MusingOwl encouraged me to post it. So enjoy!

Phone to his ear, Kokichi pushed a shopping cart full of groceries and toys up to the register. Scores of people checked out on either side of them. An annoying boy band song played overhead. Speaking over the noise, Kokichi talked on the phone to a DICE member. “…you’ll have the blueprints for me next week? I needed it yesterday! How else are we going to–” Shouting and laughing, his young two children, Akeshi and Emeline, ran ahead of him. “Akeshi, Emi! Slow down! Come back here!” Kokichi lowered his voice to a whisper. “We _need_ it if we’re going to catch those bank robbers. They can’t…”

Michio, the baby of the Oma family, sat in the shopping cart seat. He threw his light-up, singing sun toy on the ground. Kokichi stooped to pick up. Returned it to the cooing baby. “Here.” Giggling, Michio clutched the toy to his cringey “Somebunny loves me” shirt.

Exhaling, Kokichi rubbed a temple. The smell of floor wax was giving him a headache. “…Actually, can we talk about this later? I need to–”

The hefty, graying cashier lady grunted a greeting. “Wal-Mart.”

Kokichi glanced up. The cashier narrowed her beady eyes at Kokichi’s children. Scowled. She rubbed a gnarled finger beneath her warty nose.

Kokichi raised a brow. “Well, I guess Christmas has come early, Grinch–” Kokichi cleared his throat. “A-hem! Yes, uh, hi. Here, take my stuff. No, Himiko can unload, where is–?” Kokichi whipped his head around. “Himiko!”

“Nyeeeh…” Himiko, his wife, trailed up from behind, carrying an armful of stage makeup. She wore a heart patterned dress which matched with Emeline’s dress. “They didn’t have the brand I wanted… we need it for this weekend’s magic show.”

“Then we can get it online. Just put it in the cart. I’ll talk to you later, bye!” Kokichi ended the call. Looked up. Akeshi was running across the aisle to the crane machines by the entrance. Emeline was grabbing an iPhone case off the shelf to the right. Michio had thrown his toy again.

Kokichi began unpacking groceries onto the conveyor belt. “Akeshi! How many times have I told you about running off? And, Emeline, put that back and get your brother’s toy he dropped.” Groaning, Emeline marched over to retrieve the toy.

Akeshi called, “I’m not that far away. I’m all right! Can we try the crane toy thing, Daddy?” He pulled down on his Hot Wheels t-shirt. “Look, they got stuffed toy cars in there. I wanna try!”

“No! Get back here right now. You’re right by the entrance where anyone could pick you up and leave and I wouldn’t see it! Do you want me to carry you over my shoulder in front of everyone again?”

Heaving a sigh and rolling his eyes, Akeshi ran back. He rolled his two Hot Wheels cars over the counter walls just below the cashier, making loud car engine noises. The clerk cut Kokichi a sharp glance. 

“What? You never had any kids… Maurice? Wait, isn’t that guy’s name…?”

Maurice gave Kokichi a look of a hardened criminal. A hardened criminal who did jail time for killing their grandma who shared a cell with a top bunk mate who played the harmonica all night long so she never slept a wink in the past forty years.

Maurice’s low voice rumbled. “Don’t. Ask.”

Kokichi gulped. “Well, okay then…” he squeaked.

After a long moment, she began ringing up the items. _Boop. Boop, boop._

_FFFFFPHT._

Someone farted. A strong odor arose.

Groaning, Kokichi’s head fell back. “Oh, Michio…!” The baby giggled.

Himiko reached over Kokichi. “We can change him after checking out. Here, hand me that gum.” Besides the register was a spinning rack of gift cards. Beneath it were two open cubbies stocked with candies and gum. Kokichi tossed a couple mint gum packets into the pile on the register. He reached for the next item on the conveyor belt. Picked up an iPhone case. “ _Emeline_!”

She stamped her foot, making her long black waves bounce. “But Daddy, I waaaant it! I’ve been a good girl.”

“Emi, you are five-years-old, you don’t need a phone. And this is a phone case!”

“But Ami my friend has a phone. I want a phone, too! If I don’t have a phone, how can I be friends with Ami?”

“Wha–? That’s ridiculous, of course you can be – just put this back already!”

Laughing, Michio leaned far to the left towards the conveyor belt. Kokichi righted the one-year-old. “Ooh, careful there, buddy. Don’t fall out now–”

“Daddy, can we play the crane game on the way out then?”

“No, Akeshi!”

Himiko laid a hand on Kokichi’s arm. “Calm down, Kokichi.”

Kokichi ground his teeth. _You’re not doing anything! All you care about is your stupid makeup. And when in the history of telling someone to calm down has it ever worked–_

To the cashier, Himiko smiled sweetly. “I’m so very sorry about the noise. We’re almost done ringing up everything. Look? There. That’s the last item.” Maurice grunted.

Kokichi fumbled for the back pocket of his jeans. Pulled out his wallet. Paid.

Maurice didn’t spare them so much as a good-bye let alone a second glance before working on the next person in line. Pushing the shopping cart, Kokichi headed towards the exit. The automatic doors opened. Kokichi stepped through.

An alarm blared.

Kokichi whipped his head up. “The hell? We didn’t steal anything this time.”

Himiko lightly smacked Kokichi’s upper arm. “Watch your language! And be quiet about the stealing.”

“But why’d it go off? Did any of you kids take – Emi, if you still have that phone case on you, I swear…! Every one of you empty your pockets right now.”

Everyone did. Nothing. Kokichi frowned. “But then how…?”

A quarterback-sized man approached. His blue uniform read security. “Sir, I’m going to ask for your receipt. And for all of you to empty your pockets.”

“We just did, I don’t understand.”

Michio laughed.

Kokichi froze. He and Himiko exchanged glances. Kokichi lifted up Michio’s shirt. Nothing. Checked his diaper.

It was stuffed with a dozen lifted gift cards. All smeared in his poop.

Heaving, Himiko pressed a hand to her mouth. “Oh, heavens no. That’s – ughhh…!”

“You little monkey! How did you–? You reached over and grabbed them all under our noses?!”

The security man’s mustaches quivered with contained fury or disgust. “Sir, I hope you didn’t you could get away with stealing and stuffing them in–”

“I wouldn’t do that!!” Exhaling, Kokichi ran a hand through his bangs then let his arm flop. “Dear god, what the hell. I can’t believe–”

“Language, Kokichi!” The kids giggled. Started whispering bad words to each other. “Akeshi, Emi, stop that!” scolded Himiko.

Scowling, Kokichi whipped the cart around and headed towards the checkout lanes.

“Wait, Kokichi!” Himiko cried, walking quickly over, the kids in tow. “We have to change him. And they’re all covered in his poop so we need to clean them off.”

“Rrrgh…!” Kokichi lifted up Michio. “Fine! I’ll go change him. You take the kids and go buy some gloves.”

“Got it. Come on, you two!”

Laughing and giggling, Akeshi and Emi took their mother’s hands. “Michi took a poopie.”

“And Daddy has to clean it! He’ll be all stinky!”

Holding their noses, the kids loudly whispered “PU!” to each other as they headed further in the store.

Grumbling, Kokichi snatched up Michio and a baby changing tote bag. Burst through the swinging men’s room with a shoulder. Kokichi pulled down the changing baby station hanging on the wall. Undid Michio’s diaper. Kokichi grimaced. _Oh man, it’s so rancid! Could knock out a horse. And how do babies poop green? Is it the peas we gave him this morning? Oh god…_

Stomach churning, Kokichi blotted and wiped off the gift cards balled up toilet paper. He clenched his jaw. He grimaced.

_I am a supreme leader. Whose enemies fall at my feet. When I married Himiko I did not sign up for this crap. And why does Himiko give me all the shitty jobs? I do all the hard work around here and what do I get?_

A man in his twenties stepped out of a stall. Stopped and stared.

Kokichi snapped, “What.”

He pointed. “He’s peeing on you.”

“Wh-what? UGH!” Kokichi recoiled. “All over my favorite Batman shirt, no…! Michio, why?”

Swearing under his breath, Kokichi managed to change Michio, clean off the gift cards best he could, and furiously scrub his hands at the sink. Baby in hand, he emerged from the bathroom. Himiko, gloves in hand, and the kids stood before Maurice’s register.

Emeline snickered. “Ew, Daddy you smell.”

 _You’re lucky you’re so cute._ Kokichi smacked the gift cards down on the conveyor. “Here. We would… like to buy these gift cards.”

The cashier glanced down at the smeared cards. At Kokichi. She reached over and took two gloves from Himiko and donned them. She began scanning the cards. Boop. Boop, boop.

Himiko crossed her arms. “How in the world did he take all these and we didn’t notice?”

Kokichi rolled his eyes. “He’s your child. He stole them with magic.”

Himiko cut him a glare. “I don’t pickpocket, Supreme Leader.”

_Boop, boop, boop._

“Geez, how much did he take?” wondered Kokichi.

Himiko groaned. “Just look at that price… And Arooga’s Grille? I don’t even know what store that is!”

“Well, it better be good because we have a 5,000-yen gift card there now.”

_Boop, boop, boop._

The cashier announced, “Your total is 47,500 yen.”

Kokichi froze. Himiko’s hand flew to her mouth.

Michio giggled.

Jaw clenched, Kokichi ripped out his wallet, paid, and tried stuffing all the gift cards in his wallet. They tumbled to the ground. Cursing, Kokichi bent over to pick them and stuffed them in his pocket. “Come on,” he snapped, marching towards the entrance.

Michio waved to the cashier as Himiko rolled the cart away. They packed up the car in silence. The kids didn’t utter a word as Kokichi and Himiko strapped them in.

Kokichi slammed the driver door closed.

Himiko chuckled, “You know…”

Kokichi held up a hand. “Stop! Stop. I know we’ll be laughing about this later, but right now I am still mad.”

“Okay...” Smiling, she gazed out the window.

Shaking his head, Kokichi shifted gears into reverse. Pulled out of the parking space. “Man, what a day…”

In the middle row, Emi held out a hand to Akeshi. “Gimme.”

Akeshi lifted up his shirt. Handed Emi the iPhone case.

“Thanks!” Emeline laughed quietly to herself as Kokichi drove home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this silly little blurb of mine! ^_^


End file.
